The future me

After some thought about yesterdays post and reading the post/links that my sister left me (about the Italian women in the media) I have come up with another challenge for myself.

Yesterday, I mentioned my "future me" purchase -which happens to be a black string bikini.

What would happen if I actually wore it in the very near future? Not a year from now when I will be "ideal" but this summer with B.O.B and all. What if I got over the thought that everyone else will be watching me and just did it? I think I might try it.

We have a pool at our complex and it would be the perfect place to experiment (not too many people actually use it). So here is my next promise to myself and to you, by the end of this summer I will have strutted ALL my stuff bikini clad at the pool.

I am not at that point yet but as each day passes and with all the support I have received I feel more and more confident about myself and this new lifestyle.

So this shout out goes to all my wonderful friends and family who have been super supportive this first week. Thank you.

Quote of the day: "Your blog gives me the happys" -a friend

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What I ate today:

Bagel with the insides pulled out and a smear of light cream cheese
Apple
1/2 cup turkey chili with cheese
Watermelon
Trader Joe's light kettle corn (I will write about this tomorrow)
Grilled cheese on light whole wheat bread
carrots
Banana with pb cool-whip (thank you hungry girl)
skim milk

Yum.
-K

Sorry, I am fat.

Yesterday I made a purchase for the intentions of wearing it as the "future me." While in the fitting room trying on all the "future me" finds the girl in the room next to me was asking the waiting room attendant to help her find a new size. I hear the girl grunt and swear and then she asks for a new size (an 8 by the way) and when the attendant comes to help the girl apologizes and says "Sorry, I am fat."

My first thought was: Girl please. A size 8 is not even close to being fat. However, the more it settled in my brain the more I could understand where this girl was coming from.

I guarantee that if I asked every single one of my female friends (about their body image) they would all have something to complain about -no matter how thin and beautiful I perceive them (and all of my friends are beautiful).

Here is my issue: How did we get to a point where being a size 8 is fat? How have we all developed these warped body images? Why do we feel the need to apologize for our bodies?

And bigger still, why do I do all of the things I have an issue with?

At a size 12 I consider myself "chubby" (why else would I be writing this blog?). There are days I look in the mirror and scoff at my "love handles" or my "thunder thighs." Then there are days I don't even bother looking in the mirror because I know BOB (Belly Over Belt) will be there. God! I even APOLOGIZE to others for being fat. I don't think I have ever said those exact words as the dressing room girl did, but I certainly pick out outfits and bathing suits to protect people from being exposed to all my wobbly bits.

No wonder my self image suffers.

So here is my next challenge: I need to change my self perception.

The way I perceive others is so often not how they view themselves, and I know that it goes the same for how others view me and how I perceive myself.

My personal goal is not to be a twig, its not even about clothing size, but it's about feeling better. While I want to "look good" I really just want to feel good. But how do you do that when you look at yourself and think yuck or apologize to others for your size?

Consider me open to suggestions.


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Today's shout out goes to the girl in the dressing room. I don't know you but I am sending you some love.


The obvious quote of the day: "Sorry, I am fat"


What I ate:

1tbs PB and jelly on light whole wheat bread
Apple
1 cup American Chop Suey
Carrots with 1/2 tbs hummus (my new favorite snack)
Granola bar
1 cup Watermelon
The other half of my mammoth orange
Salad
1 cup Crock Pot Turkey chili (thank you Tom)
1/2 cup brown rice
Strawberry Smoothie-got to get some calcium in there!



love love love.

-K

I survived...

...My first restaurant visit.

Eating out will always be a concern to me because the giant cheese burger on a bulkie roll with sweet potato fries will always tempt/taunt me. It calls my name, and too often (now in the past) I would succumb.
I was like Alice, eating the cookie just because it said "eat me" -- and then she became ten feet tall.
But I was wide.

Anyway, I was familiar with the restaurant, so I knew going in they had plenty suitable choices, so I made a decent choice. And I am happy with it.

So often I eat "diet foods" that I don't find tasty, which leads me to eat things that are terrible for me. You know, filled with fat, loaded with sodium and lets not even talk about the calories.
I am a foodie. I admit it. I like to eat, I enjoy eating.

So now I need to find that balance. The balance of eating food that I can enjoy, but won't sabotage my new lifestyle.

So today's shout out goes to multiple people: Tricia, Tina and Dori all for sending me some recipes that are low in calories, carbs, fat, sodium and high in YUM.

And to start living my the word of Socrates: "Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live"

Always,
-K

What I ate today:
Cornflakes with a banana and milk
Apple
Salad with a tbs of dressing
Half a turkey sandwich with lettuce
6 potato chips
Chex mix - you got to make this yourself, you have so much more control over what goes into it.
Carrots with the oh so delicious hummus
American chop suey
Watermelon

Elliptical/Biked it for 35 minutes

"There's a lot that you hate"

That's what my trainer said to me last night when I griped about him asking me to do some pylometrics.

Unfortunately, this is true AND(being the honest person I am) I agreed with him.

If you asked me if I like to exercise my quick response would be a "NO!"
However, after some consideration, I actually think I hate the word exercise more than the actual act.

Exercise: It even sounds ugly to me. Then it reminds me of exorcise, which then reminds me of the exorcist, and we won't even go there. When defining the word exorcise it means to be rid of evil spirits. So, if I associate exorcise with exercise I can look at it this way: I want to rid myself of the evil fat that has settled on my hips, therefore, I should exercise it. HA!

While I still don't look at exercise as the highlight of my day, I don't really mind it as long as it's a little interesting. So the goal is to make it interesting...

Yesterday I received P90x** in the mail - this will be my summer project.

This means I have 14 days to prepare myself mentally and physically for the beat down and tone up my body will take from this program. This will definitely keep it interesting as I have never devoted so much time to any exercise program in my life.

This is a promise I am making to myself and to you that I will follow through on this. AND this is an apology to those who will have to bear witness to my oh so charismatic coordination when I tote it along with me on family/friend visits over the summer.

Here is hoping that my trainer will be changing the "a lot" to "not a lot" in a few short months.

SHOUT OUT: To Tom for cooking the beautiful lean pork roast (that I will enjoy tomorrow-see below) and for getting my ass to the gym for a mini-workout.


E-mail of the day:
Titled: Fatty Diaries

So, I'm at the gym last night doing a spinning class and we start doing sprints. As I start to go faster and faster, I can feel all of my wobbly bits wobbling at an increasingly faster pace. All I could think of was a sumo wrestler as he's lunging towards his opponent with his fat flying everywhere. It's wasn't pretty. (My ass really hurts too!)


This has inspired me to take a spin class tomorrow (gulp)!


What I ate today:

Unfortunately, I woke up this morning with a rancid case of technicolor yawn.. so my appetite was minimal. I did manage to eat:

A bowl of corn flakes with milk and a banana
2 cups of watermelon
1/2 cup of my homemade chex mix
1/2 a giant orange
Carrots and pine nut hummus (YUM)
A very small latte
A bowl of chocolate cheerios- seriously if you haven't had them- go out right now and get some!!!

So I am under my calorie count for the day, but once my diet allows me to not rely on pepto I'll be back to my 1200-1350 calories a day.

And yes, I do weigh and measure all my food. My digital food scale is in the mail.


xo
-K

**P90x is a 90 day program, which includes several different regiments that are designed to transform your body. It is incredibly intense and you have to have some physical capabilities, and me only being able to do one -yup one- pull up, I cleared this with my trainer who will help me modify things that are too difficult i.e. pull ups.**

It's in the DNA?

Thank you all for such thoughtful and loving feedback. It really helps to know that so many people know exactly where I am coming from (and where I want to be).

After talking with my wonderful older sister, T, last night about this "new beginning" it got me thinking about genetics. I come from a big family - literally and figuratively. We all struggle with our weight.
AND
I have received a lot of feedback from my mothers side of the family, most of whom struggle with weight. However, I also know that my fathers side has equal the amount of difficulties (and I blame them for my 42' hips). So are weight problems really genetic, or a product of our environment (processed foods *cough cough*)? What will I need to be prepared for in the future? Will my future children be fat? SO many questions.

So I checked out the Center for Disease Control (obesity is a disease). This and this where interesting, and while there are still several questions I have
(and way more research to do) this about sums it up:

..."What It Means
For people who are genetically predisposed to gain weight, preventing obesity is the best course. Predisposed persons may require individualized interventions and greater support to be successful in maintaining a healthy weight.
Obesity is a chronic lifelong condition that is the result of an environment of caloric abundance and relative physical inactivity modulated by a susceptible genotype. For those who are predisposed, preventing weight gain is the best course of action.
Genes are not destiny. Obesity can be prevented or can be managed in many cases with a combination of diet, physical activity, and medication."

And my favorite part

"...The tendency to store energy in the form of fat is believed to result from thousands of years of evolution in an environment characterized by tenuous food supplies. In other words, those who could store energy in times of plenty, were more likely to survive periods of famine and to pass this tendency to their offspring."

So back in the day, I would have been naturally selected. *Think positive*


Now, I am not obese. However, at one point in my life I was. *That was a dark, oh so very dark place for me* I WILL NEVER go back to that. Not if I can control it - and according to the CDC I can!

So tell me family, what's in the DNA forecast?


All my love,
-K


Quote that made my day: "I just want to get rid of my belly fat, every time I do yoga it hits me in the face." - anonymous

What I ate:

Breakfast- Strawberry Banana smoothie, made with fat free (ff) yogurt and low fat milk. I like to drink my fruit sometimes. Calories: 250

Mid-morning snack: Home made chex mix. Calories: 120 for about half a cup

Lunch: A black bean, salsa and cheese high fiber burrito -which was DELICIOUS- baby carrots and half an orange Calories: Grand total of 245.

Pre-workout snack: 1 slice of lite wheat bread with a tsp of peanut butter. Calories: 60

Dinner: Small salad with 1 tbs lite dressing, Rubbed Chicken, whole wheat couscous, broccoli. Calories: Grand total of 325

Dessert: FF chocolate pudding with a spray of whipped cream. Calories: 100

Which brings me to a daily total of: 1100*
*some of my calories where a "guesstimate"

Today is the first day of the rest of my life

Today I did something that NEVER in my life I have dared to do. I got on a scale in front of Tom -the boyfriend.

Over the past 7 years I have tried fad diets, exercise programs, classes, yoga and Weight Watchers. I have lost and gained between 20 to 40 pounds over these years. I am the epitome of the "yo-yo" dieter.

I have a pretty good concept of myself. I am confident in who I am and what I do, however, I struggle with my weight. I struggle so much that my self esteem diminishes on some days because I feel so bad, physically. At the age of 25 (almost 26) I have as many health issues as my 61 year old father. However, by managing my "diet" I can gain more control of my health.


But today is different. The rest of my days are going to be different.

I am holding myself accountable; not just to myself but to all the people who care about me.

I am making a promise to myself to eat better, to be more aware of what I am putting into my body, and to get some more movement.

My relationship with food will have to change. (My most challenging task)
I will not be perfect, but that is not what I am striving for.
I will have good days.
I will be proud of myself for my good days.
I will have bad days.
I will forgive myself for my bad days.
*** I am realistic about my health goals. ***

I have made the decision to share this journey with you for many reasons, of which I will write about in the future. The biggest reason is that I hope that I can find support from all of you.

So here it is. I am getting on the scale in front of everyone.

At 5'8
Arms: 11 1/2 inches
Bust: 36"
Waist: 30"
Hips: 42" (gulp)
Thighs: 26"
BMI: 25.8 - overweight (Normal is between 18.5-24.9)
Body fat percentage:about 26% which equals to 44 pounds of fat that my body is carrying (normal body fat percentage is about 12-20 for women)

Last but not least...
Weight: 170 pounds

Goals:
Live longer due to better health
Feel better due to better health, increased movement
Increased self esteem, due to better health, increased movement and getting into that dress that now hugs every single "curve" I've got.

I am ready. I am ready to feel good, look good, and do a whole lot of push-ups.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

-K